Ruins Rebuilt

Pain

2011-04-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

I remember one day sitting with a precious older woman in Memphis right before I got married. This amazing, godly woman said to me, "Laura, the older I get, the more I cry, the more easily the tears come." I have carried Mrs. Montague's words with me and find how very true they are. I have watched pain in friends, family, and strangers. It seems the older I get the more pain I see and experience. In these places is where I cry out most for my God to come. It is in those secret places that I learn that in pain hope arises and maturity blooms. This song never fails to bring me to my knees and sob. My soul delights to be with Him. He knows our pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFdXbC_mQjE

A New Season Coming

2011-03-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

I have been absent. I write a million posts in my mind that never make it to the computer. We are coming up on two years back from India, can you believe it? I have been cooking and craving Indian food like never before! :)

At the beginning of this year Matt and I celebrated 10 years of marriage! I adore that man!!! YEEHAW! Matt is about to FINISH almost two years worth of tests toward his Architecture license! He has passed six and will take the final one at the end of April. Life will look so different when he is not studying all the time. I cannot wait! There will be a party at the Pinkstaffs in May! This new season will also have a change for me. I have accepted a preschool teaching position that will also enable me to have Ivy in my class for the next two years! I am thrilled to be in a classroom again.

The Lord has also given me some special friendships here that have been a gift beyond belief! I am so thankful for these special women who make me long to go deeper in my faith and are full of godly character!

I am sure there will be more to share in the coming months! God continues to show me He seeks to build me in His image, and ruin what is not a reflection of His glory!

Picking Through the Ruins

2010-11-15T07:08:00.000-08:00

Warning: I am laying some things bare, please be gentle.

I have been spending some time reflecting on the past ten years of my life. Why ten? Ten, because these are the years I think the Lord really grabbed hold of me and began His refining work.

As I was thinking through all He had brought me through this past year, I felt as though I needed to share it. God has been showing me particular sins, and giving me the desire to put them to death. The truth is, I struggle deeply with pride and a competitive spirit. Through the years I have ended up letting my flesh take "radically" living for Christ and letting that birth pride and a sense of competition with others. Oh, and how we can cover pride and competition from others. I believe I did just that. We can make it look so godly, can't we?! We can do a whole lot of good stuff and look really good to the rest of the world and fool ourselves into having a pure heart in it all. We can look at another (Lord, help us women!) and say, Oh I am so much better at ____ than her, or if I could only be like _____." I can honestly, without stepping you through the last ten years too intimately, tell you that I started to put my name on "it". I started to look to my left and right and compare. I could easily beat myself up if I did not measure up. I sought a reputation that had my name on it.

I can say, since coming back from India and Him placing us here in this town, I have fought a hard fight against the reality of what He has revealed. My pride would not let me see that the sweet mercy of the Lord was disciplining me. My reputation was too important, I believed I must keep up appearances. But, He was after me! He used relationships, circumstances, new roles, and a new place to expose my heart. Oh how careful we must be to make sure we do not seek the glory that belongs solely to the Lord.

I am going to continue this in another post a bit later.

Tonight

2010-10-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight a precious family I adore will land in Delhi, India. They will push through the airport with four weary children and begin another chapter of life. My family has walked life with the Weavers for ten years. In those ten years we have done much laughing and much weeping. Sima is my best friend. She is one of the strongest people I know, with one of the gentlest voices you have ever heard. Sima has been with me during my darkest hours and during many moments of unspeakable joy! I have watched her four little children grow from tiny babies to be amazing, sensitive, godly children!

Before either of us had children we met in the inner city of Memphis with the same heart's desire, to see God transform a neighborhood and have the joy of watching Him do it. We shared life with one another for some years while becoming closely knit as families. Then came the day where we had to say goodbye. The Weaver family was led by God to India. I cried harder than I had ever imagined possible that day and the week following. She was my sister, she was my best friend, they had all become a part of our family! How could God take them? But His plans were greater. Joe and Sima served in one of the hardest places on earth for three years. They served at a small hospital in a village. The stories they shared are amazing, God did so much through them and they also saw and experienced immeasurable sorrow and pain. Sima and I talked weekly, or as much as we could due to the unpredictable phone lines. Then came an unexpected turn in my own family's life, we too were going to live in India! We ended up in a different part of India, serving in the Himalayan foot hills of North India, while Joe and Sima were south of us. God made it possible for our families to see one another twice a year, and we savored every minute together! We even had the joy of meeting the fourth little Weaver after her premature birth! Our dear friends served in a remote area for three years among the poorest of the poor in India. They then felt the Lord leading them for a time back to Memphis. It was another year of phone struggles as Sima would call me in India over and over again in hopes our phone would work. I would, in turn spend many hours up on the roof trying to get a signal so I could hear her voice. Oh how many stories we have shared. Those phone call were treasures in what was such a desert time!

So tonight, as I said before, they are returning to India. But this time, they will take the train from Delhi to the very hill station town my family spent almost three years in. My heart is aching. How little time we have had in the same place. How can I not ask why we are not there together, missing eachother by one year? But, I cling to the knowledge that God knows best. HE KNOWS. I am thankful to have them meet our friends there, to know where to tell them to go to find something, and to be able to see their new chapter in my mind's eye. I know those mountains will take their breath away. I know Aneil will serve them a wonderful bun omelet. I know the Weavers will walk the very trails our family did. I know they will chase some of the same monkeys we did...:) Above all, I know God is there too. North India, you are getting two amazing doctors and four precious children. No worries, I have my phone mintues ready and my dialing finger poised!

Another family, you know who you are...One also VERY dear to us will be following the Weavers to the very town we came from too...Oh North India, you have NO IDEA how jealous I am of you! I will now go repent for my covetness.

Update

2010-09-16T12:38:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all!

I realize that you deserve an update on us, so I will try my best to deliver it to you!

Sophia just turned 7 and is in 2nd grade. She is playing soccer and continues to be our little encourager! She is in love with life and has such a heart for others.

Hannah just turned 5 and is in her final year of preschool. She adores her teacher and classmates and is totally thriving. Hannah has great compassion and fire. I cannot wait, Lord willing, to see what her future has in store.

Ivy just turned 2 and is a world class ham! She is loud and full of energy! Ivy constantly displays little fear of anything keeping her mama on her toes at all times.

Matt is continuing on his long journey to becoming a licenced architect. He has to take seven tests over the next year and a half to be licensed. He has passed his first two and is now studying for the third. It has been a really intense year for Matt.

I have been busy with three little ladies, as well as, doing a little of this and that on the side. I just started a home day care and am learning a lot about organizing my life through this experience, HA! I watch a little girl who I ask that you pray for. Her story is precious and her parents are struggling. The story about how they came into our life still blows me away. I struggled for so long thinking God had shelved us as far as ministry. The enemy had a hay-day with my heart. God is showing me He desires to use us. This time though, I want everything to be about Him. When will I get it through my head that life is not about us? I want my very marrow to know it is all about Him.

Thanking God for Charlie

2010-09-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

I never knew Charlie, but my husband has told me stories about their many adventures together. Charlie came into Matt's life in high school. He was a mentor to Matt. He invested a lot into Matt's life for a long time. He even showed up at Matt's college graduation. Charlie never married, but spent his life investing in the next generation. He loved the Lord. Matt and Charlie lost touch after we got married, but Matt never forgot him and often wondered where he was. Last night Matt came to bed and told me he did another search for Charlie on the internet. Charlie died less than a year ago. Matt talked about the memories he had and we held each other for a bit.

Thank you Charlie for letting the Lord lead you to Matt and showing my husband what it meant to be a man of God. Thank your for the time you spent and the effort you gave in helping him grow to be a man of God. You glorified God in the investment you made. Praise God!

I know that Matt and I want to be a Charlie, a picture of Christ in the life of the next generation. Praise God for the Charlies of this world, you are a light!

These Days

2010-05-17T03:48:00.000-07:00

It has almost been a year since we made our journey back to America. The lessons of this past year have been some of the hardest I have ever learned. They have also been some of the sweetest times of seeing God provide in amazing ways for our family. I think I am starting to let myself "live" here. I have learned that my identity is not based on where I live. My identity is in Christ alone. His fame, not mine. This season has taught me a lot about God's power. He can accomplish anything without me...Did you hear that Laura? He does not need me. Humbling. By His grace and mercy, He chooses to use me. I am to glorify Him. I am to be head-over-heels in love with my Savior.

As I look back, I think I can say India humbled me until my face hit the ground. I now believe that was the best thing God could ever have done for me and my judgemental, legalistic heart. Things are not black and white as I once thought, there is so much gray in this world. Perhaps that is what brings me to my knees so much more. There has been such a depth and anguish to these past four years, and yet a hope and goodness I cannot express.

We just love our community here. I cannot believe we have such precious and caring neighbors. Our church has become so precious to us as well. Our pastor's wife has become one of my closest friends. A treasure. I have becoming involved in the elimination of modern day slavery. There are victims everywhere. We have 11 victims that have been rescued in our city in the past two months. This crime surpasses illegal guns and drugs, makes the most money globally, and is in your city or town. It is the biggest global problem. Learn about it! This issue has stretched me in so many ways. We will have our first Freedom Walk this weekend and I am so excited to raise awareness in our city.

I have also entered into the running community here. I am training for a marathon in September. Only by God's grace have I found amazing joy in running again. I have been running with the Columbia Track Club and feel like a full-blown runner again! I was even given a high-tech watch that has a GPS in it!

In a couple weeks we will head to Arkansas and reunite with some dear, dear families for some coveted time together. I cannot wait to see those Snaders and Weavers!!!!! We will also be saying goodbye to them as they go to the VERY town in India we came from a year ago. Let me just tell you that has been one of the most difficult things for me to reason with God about. Why on earth did we just come from there and you are sending two of my closest friends from where we just came from?? All I am sayin' is in Heaven, I would really like us all to live in the same mansion or something!! I am sure I will have wonderful pictures to share from that time!

Ivy Grace

2010-03-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

Look at this little sweet thang! Oh, and just ignore the fingerprints on the glass, I do.

My sweet, precious, little girl...I adore her...Ummm...wait, what happened to her??? Where did she go? I am taking lots of deep breaths these days. Yet, I still want to eat her up, who could resist those pigtails anyway? She is almost two, need I say more?

Remembering the Monkeys

2010-03-19T07:30:00.001-07:00

I thought you might enjoy this. Matt shot it in our front yard when we lived in Mussoorie, India. Although, please know this was a "cute" moment, they are VERY rarely cute. In fact, they are just plain mean in those Himalayan hills!!! All that said, I can have a small pain of missing them on occasion.

2010-02-15T07:28:00.000-08:00

I am insecure. I'm sure this is no secret. Chances are though, you are too. I guess I thought I was the only one. We manifest our insecurities in so many ways, and this society is ready to play into them at every turn.

When I settled into life here, wait, does that ever really happen? Let me rephrase that, when I began walking though life in America again, I saw myself change. I saw this woman emerge who I thought had been laid to rest, but alas, she was only sleeping. I began seeing the messages I was buying into. Messages like, you must be a super mom, super wife, super friend, forget nothing, super church woman, meet all expectations (even the ones you think are expected), have your house immaculate, be fit and healthy (a PX90 woman). My stars, I could go on and on. Bottom line, you must build a reputation for yourself, an awesome reputation. So I started to rebuild the ruins...ah...my way. I began trying to find ways to look, to the outside world, like a super mom, super wife, super friend, super spiritual, super...FREAK! That is not me...I am not super anything. But, through seeking to be this perfect woman, I found that underneath it all my insecurities were driving this false Laura. I was trying to cover who I really am, or was meant to be. Truth: I, Laura Pinsktaff have lots and lots of insecurities, if you know me, I am sure you have seen them. I think I just tried to tell myself you didn't see them. I have never been good at hiding things.

In India, life was survival, and relationships were not me asking myself how I measured up. There was no competition that I really knew of, or thought about with other women around me. Here, it feels like we can easily fall into some sort of competition with one another, whether we choose to admit it or not. I will admit it, I have fallen into that big time over the last couple months. My home culture has done a number on me. So, I am going to fight back.

I want to be loved. I want to do things that matter. I want to have a clean house. I want to have children who love the Lord. I want to be beautiful. I want to have an amazing marriage every minute of everyday. I want to be totally involved in the needs of others and crusade for social justice. I want to be a trauma nurse. I want to be a godly wife, mother, friend... I want to look like I have it all...all under control. I don't. Some of the things I listed need more of my attention than others. I feel like the Lord is saying that it is the time and season to pour into my children and husband. But this is where I struggle. Oh no what will others think of me if I don't give it my all...What will people be saying if I am not busy all the time and stretched in a million different places in the name of the Lord?? That's it, WHO CARES!!! I should not care. It is between me and Him! He is asking me to lay down, for a season, some of my passions that may seek more than just His glory.... There is a time to say, no, to even pull back and be quiet. God does not need me. He will tell me the time and place He desires to USE me. I cannot let this world and its expectation grab hold of me. Seriously, I want to cry MERCY about now!

I want to be at a point where I can tell you my identity lies in Christ alone. I want to be able to say, I could care less about what you think about me and how I live my life. I want to say I care only what He thinks. I do not want to spend a bit of time wondering what you think of me, and feel like I have to give you a good explanation for the choices I have made in my life. I want to walk in His ways and not my own, or even the way you think I should go. I want to love you for who you are and not pass judgement. I want to always know there are two sides to a story and I may only know one of those sides. I want to embrace a more private life where people may not know what I do. I want to not feel a need to let you know what I am doing in order to make myself feel better. HA, I am even insecure about how I just sounded above... I pray you know I say that all in love. My reputation is not mine, it never was. Christ does not need me, if I am anything good it is only because Christ lives in me. I read this line and loved it, "You and I are going to have to come to a place where we stop handing people the kind of power only God should wield over us." - Beth Moore. That's it! I am waging war against the power I give others in my life. GAME ON!

Good gracious, I realize I just went all over the place in this blog...oh well. I love people and I feel things deeply. But, how much more can I love when He has the reins of my insecurities.

It's been a long time...

2010-02-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

Oh how much these months have challenged me. God has brought so much to light as I continue to walk through American life here. I am adjusting to my roles, although sometimes I want to scream my head off. I have decided to start writing again. Perhaps this will become therapy for me. I have some precious friends who write amazing blogs full of thoughts and feelings that are REAL. I so enjoy real people, people not afraid to share struggles, joys, tears, and everything in between. So, I guess I am blogging again, so prepare yourself. I plan to be real.

Living in the Middle

2009-09-21T10:21:00.001-07:00

It is so hard to believe we have been back in the States for four months... I must admit to the amazing struggle each day proves to my heart. I now live in America...the land of SO MUCH. But where is my heart right now? I think it is still in India, or better yet, it is in the reality of the rest of the world. My mind and heart wrestle so much with living here. I am trying to put down the guilt I have each day concerning so many things I have, or the privileges of living here. I think about many of my friends who do not get to enjoy what I do, who have laid down so much. I am learning to live in the middle. I am always somewhere in between where I was and where I am. Some people have told me it will get easier, that I will, in a way forget and become so immersed in the here and now. That is not what I want! I will take every opportunity to make sure we do not forget. We had the honor to become intimately involved in a reality of suffering of joy we had never experienced before. We had the honor of seeing things that struck us in awe of our God. We had a short time of difficult challenges that many people in the third world face throughout their entire lives! One friend told me I was ruined, I have been ruined. I can no longer look at this world and get lost in my own life. I do not seek to belittle in anyway the need that is here, in the US. There is great need, but I feel like we can too easily let ourselves become complacent here. We forget there is a whole world out there, there is so much to learn, so much to do, so much to pray for...if you feel the desire to do so. God's heart is for the world!
Right now, I am struggling. I have few people to talk to about what is happening in the depths of me, and I guess I am putting it all out there... Part of me wants the struggle to stop, another part, doesn't want it to end. I want to learn to live in the middle. I do not want to loose a heart for the nations.
My main prayer is that God would let me go deeper, let me glorify Him and that His heart for the nations would penetrate mine.

Transition

2009-06-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

We have been in the States for two weeks now. Within those two weeks our family has bought a minivan, a scooter, and a HOUSE!!! The house is an amazing story I will share soon! I feel like we have hit the ground in a full out sprint. Our family is enjoying the amazing weather and green surroundings here in Columbia, MO. I have found myself in a continued state of awe. I marvel at the endless amounts of drinkable water, a tub full of water for my girls to bathe in, vegetables that can just be washed in the sink, green grass to run through, microwaves, trash cans, backyards, dishwashers, carpet, lights, the weather channel, driving...I could go on and on. But in all this, I also hold a picture of what most of the world does not have, things we easily have available to us in the States. I often have to keep myself from tears thinking about it all. I have so much to process, so much to sort through. I pray that these next months will be full of God's voice showing me what my role in this new place will be. I believe he is showing me glimpses of this next season being a time of rest and renewal for our family. But, even if it is a season of rest, that does not mean we forget to pray for, or actively seek to share about the need for Christ in the world. One thing is for sure, although we have hit the ground running, my emotions seem far behind. I would not be honest if I did not tell you I am a bit scared of the day those emotions catch up.

This picture is on our way to the airport to return to the US. It was a very full van!

Sophia God's Little Light

2009-05-16T03:23:00.001-07:00

As I watched Sophia run through the school gates after one of her final days, I saw her spread her arms and run down the path with such an air of joy. Tears came to my eyes as I remembered just two years ago when Sophia was so sad and felt isolated. I thought she would never learn to love, or even like India. But, I was now watching my little five year old as she raced her friends up the hill laughing the whole way.

Sophia has been really processing the fact that we are leaving India, and I can even say she is mourning it. She will tell me how sad she is and all the things she will miss. I dare say she has come to embrace India in the past year, it has truly become her home. She has joy daily, and God has used this joy to overflow into many at her school. Now, when I walk her home from school, we are stopped frequently by a teacher or even a high school student to say how much they will miss her. My little girl who thinks walking straight up hill for forty-five minutes every day home from school, and usually being the only white face around has learned to love almost every minute. I am so thankful to see how God has used Sophia on this mountain side. She will undoubtedly plant these last days deeply in her heart, and I am praying for her sweet heart through this transition.

Remembering His Goodness

2009-05-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

Our family is two weeks away from saying goodbye to India. I have been getting little sleep as I think about these past years. So much has changed. Matt and I came her with Hannah (1) and Sophia (3)...We are leaving with Sophia (almost6), Hannah (3), AND Ivy 10 months. I just wanted to take some time to share what I am thankful for during our time in India.

I am thankful...

to know a different culture intimately.
to see my children feel at home in another culture.
to still have an amazing marriage, and to see how we have grown closer through this time.
to have lived on a beautiful mountain.
for chai time, a wonderful excuse to sit and chat
God has allowed us to be stretched and challenged in ways I never knew.
to have Indian friends that have taught me amazing truths about the God we serve.
to have been faced with poverty and how most of the world lives.
to have seen so much injustice and know that I am called to fight for the justice of others.
to have questioned my faith, and as a result, have dug deep within His word, prayed harder then I ever have, and cried my heart out to understand more of Him.
to have welcomed Ivy Grace in India.
to feel a part of this place in some mysterious way.
to have seen faith like I have never seen before in some of the believers around us.
to have been faced with hard realities.
to have seen with my own eyes miracles like in the NT.
to have been broken time and time again.
that God changed me through this.
to have battled monkeys and won!!!

So much to process... Thank you Lord that through so much, you gave me eyes to see how good you are...YOU ARE SO GOOD TO ME!

Easter

2009-04-14T01:21:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful Easter with our friends. The girls decorated eggs, we had a great hunt, and we talked about our our risen Savior!!! Our last Easter in India was amazing!

The Question...

2009-04-03T01:14:00.000-07:00

I wrote this question on a small card and tucked it in my Bible when we first arrived in India. It has resurfaced itself here and there, since then. It is a question I often need to revisit.

Can Jesus be my delight and satisfaction in the midst of this difficult circumstance?

I believe this is a question we can all ask ourselves. A question we must continually ask throughout our life. I have wrestled with the question. I have asked, "HOW GOD? How on earth am I suppose to find joy and satisfaction in you when I feel like you are destroying me?" Where is the joy when I am in the fetal position sobbing on my bed, sounds coming from me I never thought could be made. I have come to learn that it is in those depths that joy can be found. I think this is a question I will revisit in more posts and in more depth in the future, but for now here is one of the many times I have faced this question.

I had just returned from the dentist here in Mussoorie and had found out I have a major dental issue due to a bad root canal in the States. Unfortunately, we live in a place where no one is qualified to handle such an issue. We had to make the decision that the entire family would have to come to Delhi with me. This would mean an overnight train ride in order to see an endodontist there. This also essentially means, finding train tickets, packing all five of us up, finding a place to stay, finding an endodontist, making the multiple appointments that may have to be made, the uncertainty of how long this will take, taking Sophia out of school...oh, and boy could I go on and on. Wait, did I mention the pain???

Was I in a good mood? NO!!! I was scared out of my mind and totally angry that this was going to have to be part of our last six weeks in India!!! But, of course THAT question again started ringing in my ears. Stop Laura. Think. My joy should not be dependent upon my circumstance, my joy is to be found in Him alone. HIM ALONE... After some tears and some frustration I have been able to look at this differently. There is a reason for this situation. I know this is just a piece of the puzzle, and I CAN find joy in the midst of this. How can I not have joy in knowing I was once lost and now found, I am His beloved, He seeks not to harm me, but my good? How can I not rejoice that my Father sings over me, that He sacrificed HIS ONLY son for me,that His love endures forever? In those truths, joy cannot help but start to penetrate a circumstance. I know this bump will soon be behind me and I will strive to have joy.

One thing is for sure, we live in a world of sin, because we chose to be in the battle that is not of flesh and blood, we will have circumstances that will challenge this question time and time again. We must be ready with our swords.

We are off to Delhi tomorrow night and I will be seeking joy throughout our time there :).

Indescribable Joy

2009-03-22T04:02:00.000-07:00

After a long two and a half years of praying for friends for the girls, as well as, for Matt and I...the Lord has delivered!! There is indescribable joy that fills me as I write this! A family has moved here from the US, and this precious husband and wife happen to have two little girls close to Sophia and Hannah's age! The girls have become dear friends of our girls. It is wonderful to hear the screams and giggles that fill their times together! Chip and Sandy have been making Mussoorie their home, and also have been blessing us through amazing times of fellowship and prayer!

We recently had dinner together and it was like a drink of joy like I have not experienced in a long time. Sandy and I made the meal together, just talking and laughing. This family is fulfilling so many prayers. We sit and have meaty, amazing conversations about our faith and what we are learning. It is fellowship we have not had since coming here! Chip is becoming a good friend of Matt's and has been amazing at drilling Matt on interview questions and preparing him to find a job in the States.

I cannot explain the times our families have together, it is such a gift from the Lord! How much we enjoy the encouragement and love this family so freely showers us with! Thank you Lord for answering this prayer.

Ice Cream...and Reality

2009-03-17T00:59:00.000-07:00

Poverty is up in your face constantly here. You cannot escape it, turn your head, or run from it, you must deal with it.

Yesterday, our family took a drive down the mountain to get one of Hannah's blood tests done. After each test we usually get a treat to celebrate. Believe it or not, an ice cream shop had opened and the girls were so excited to try it. So we stopped in and the girls received a gigantic cone of Strawberry-Banana ice cream. They were totally delighted! Not soon after the girls sat down to immerse themselves in this wonderful treat, did three little girls sit down on the curb outside. They began to stare at our girls through the plate glass windows. These precious little girls were trash pickers. They were filthy, hair matted, and covered in grim, yet had huge smiles on their faces as they happily watched our girls licking away.

Everything inside me freezes during encounters like this. It was once again one of those moments where a treat ends up placing so much guilt upon my heart. How on earth do you enjoy ice cream cones at a time like this? How can you look in those precious little girls' eyes and just keep on licking...you can't. So as a family we decided to do the most logical thing, share in our joy. We bought three ice cream cones and Sophia and Matt happily handed them out.

I then noticed a woman with a baby come and camp out in front of the windows. She was signaling that she wanted food for her baby. As much as I wanted to believe this, I have come to know the sad, ugly truth about most of these situations. That truth being, these women could care less about these babies. They want money, not for the baby, but for themselves. The baby is a pawn. Many babies are drugged in order that they look pathetic, so you will give. I have seen it time and time again. So, I must be honest and tell you I felt angry when I saw her plop down by these girls, say something nasty and then look to me for food.

As we left the ice cream shop I placed an apple and some cereal into the woman's hand. We then, as a family proceeded to the car. The woman was right behind us. I became so angry inside...I just wanted her to be thankful for what I gave! I whirled around, and in anger said, "GO! (JOW!)" Conviction immediately gripped me. I then walked to her and showed her how to mush up the apple and give it to "her" baby. She played dumb. So, I began feeding the baby myself, and then taking her hands to show her how. A crowd was starting to gather, I am not sure why. I think it was the fact that I was caring for the baby and feeding it. This baby was clearly old enough to have mashed apple. Not to mention, the smile on her little face each time I gave her a finger full of apple. I then turned around and continued toward our car. This woman appeared again at our car window. She began telling me that the baby could not have the apple and I needed give her money or more food... I tried to keep encouraging the apple, but to no avail. A guard ended up shooing her away.

This is not an occasional experience, this is what we must encounter, think about, plan for, learn from continually. But poverty, true poverty is a reality that we must face. I wish I would have handled that situation better, I wish I had more language to really "speak" to her. But, I learn from each one. I want to be Christ in these situations. I never want these stories to get old in my head, and I always want to be uncomfortable when I see some one in need. I pray that the next situation that arises I will act with the compassion, love, and forgiveness Christ gave me...a SINNER.

Girls ARE God's Gift

2009-02-20T20:20:00.000-08:00

I have three precious girls. Unfortunately, in this culture that is looked down upon. When I was pregnant with Ivy most people here told me I was having a boy because the third and fourth girl in a family are know as "cursed". Here a woman who has more than two girls has brought shame upon her family. There are many methods of getting rid of your unwanted baby girl here, ways I cannot even bare to describe. In some states in India the ratio of boys to girls is incredibly unbalanced. Hospitals have gone as far as outlawing being able to find out if you are having a boy or girl. Although, their are still "doctors" out there that will take a bribe and tell a woman what she is having. As I walk with my three girls through our town many ask if Ivy is a boy, I proudly announce I have three larkeea "girls". I am usually met with a sorry look or am told, "so sorry". The anger that rises in me concerning a culture that puts so little value on precious life is indescribable.

India recently celebrated Girl Child day. GIRL CHILD... you never hear of a boy child here. Girl child sounds so cold to me. This day was in an effort to promote the value of a girl, and went as far as saluting a man who supports the girl child. Matt is pitied in this culture, as he has a wife that did not produce a boy. It has become somewhat of a mission for us, as a family, to show our neighbors here how much we delight in our girls. I am thankful to have three little girls here in India and I pray the His glory will shine through them as they grow in His love. I also pray for the girls of India, that the Lord would raise them up to shine His glory onto a lost nation.

I am ruined...

2009-02-15T07:08:00.000-08:00

"Ruins"
Bebo Norman

Laying flat upon my back
All the world in motion
Everything goes by so fast
I feel like I'm frozen
After all is said and done
Did I fail to mention
Everything I haven't done
All my good intentions

This is my holy hour, This is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, This is where I am saved

I've no fear of height or depth
I've no fear of crashing
The single thing I fear the most
Simply feeling nothing

This is my holy hour, This is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, This is where I am saved
This is my kingdom come, This is my freedom song
This is my helpless state, This is where I am saved

Let my ruins become the ground you build upon
Let my ruins become the start
Let my ruins become the ground you build it on
From what's left of my broken heart

This is my holy hour, This is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, This is where I am made
This is my kingdom come, This is my freedom song
This is my helpless state, This is where I am saved

As I was running the other day I listened to this song for the first time. I could not get over the words. I found myself stopping in mid-stride and just weeping. I started listening to the song over and over again, letting each word soak in. This song is the heart of what I feel, who I have become here in India. I have continually felt ruined. It was through this song I felt the Lord speaking to me, from what is left of me, He will build upon. I am not finished.

I plan to pick through ruins and look at the past three years. I want to process these pieces and listen to my Builder.