I am insecure. I'm sure this is no secret. Chances are though, you are too. I guess I thought I was the only one. We manifest our insecurities in so many ways, and this society is ready to play into them at every turn.

When I settled into life here, wait, does that ever really happen? Let me rephrase that, when I began walking though life in America again, I saw myself change. I saw this woman emerge who I thought had been laid to rest, but alas, she was only sleeping. I began seeing the messages I was buying into. Messages like, you must be a super mom, super wife, super friend, forget nothing, super church woman, meet all expectations (even the ones you think are expected), have your house immaculate, be fit and healthy (a PX90 woman). My stars, I could go on and on. Bottom line, you must build a reputation for yourself, an awesome reputation. So I started to rebuild the ruins...ah...my way. I began trying to find ways to look, to the outside world, like a super mom, super wife, super friend, super spiritual, super...FREAK! That is not me...I am not super anything. But, through seeking to be this perfect woman, I found that underneath it all my insecurities were driving this false Laura. I was trying to cover who I really am, or was meant to be. Truth: I, Laura Pinsktaff have lots and lots of insecurities, if you know me, I am sure you have seen them. I think I just tried to tell myself you didn't see them. I have never been good at hiding things.

In India, life was survival, and relationships were not me asking myself how I measured up. There was no competition that I really knew of, or thought about with other women around me. Here, it feels like we can easily fall into some sort of competition with one another, whether we choose to admit it or not. I will admit it, I have fallen into that big time over the last couple months. My home culture has done a number on me. So, I am going to fight back.

I want to be loved. I want to do things that matter. I want to have a clean house. I want to have children who love the Lord. I want to be beautiful. I want to have an amazing marriage every minute of everyday. I want to be totally involved in the needs of others and crusade for social justice. I want to be a trauma nurse. I want to be a godly wife, mother, friend... I want to look like I have it all...all under control. I don't. Some of the things I listed need more of my attention than others. I feel like the Lord is saying that it is the time and season to pour into my children and husband. But this is where I struggle. Oh no what will others think of me if I don't give it my all...What will people be saying if I am not busy all the time and stretched in a million different places in the name of the Lord?? That's it, WHO CARES!!! I should not care. It is between me and Him! He is asking me to lay down, for a season, some of my passions that may seek more than just His glory.... There is a time to say, no, to even pull back and be quiet. God does not need me. He will tell me the time and place He desires to USE me. I cannot let this world and its expectation grab hold of me. Seriously, I want to cry MERCY about now!

I want to be at a point where I can tell you my identity lies in Christ alone. I want to be able to say, I could care less about what you think about me and how I live my life. I want to say I care only what He thinks. I do not want to spend a bit of time wondering what you think of me, and feel like I have to give you a good explanation for the choices I have made in my life. I want to walk in His ways and not my own, or even the way you think I should go. I want to love you for who you are and not pass judgement. I want to always know there are two sides to a story and I may only know one of those sides. I want to embrace a more private life where people may not know what I do. I want to not feel a need to let you know what I am doing in order to make myself feel better. HA, I am even insecure about how I just sounded above... I pray you know I say that all in love. My reputation is not mine, it never was. Christ does not need me, if I am anything good it is only because Christ lives in me. I read this line and loved it, "You and I are going to have to come to a place where we stop handing people the kind of power only God should wield over us." - Beth Moore. That's it! I am waging war against the power I give others in my life. GAME ON!

Good gracious, I realize I just went all over the place in this blog...oh well. I love people and I feel things deeply. But, how much more can I love when He has the reins of my insecurities.